I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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