I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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