Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
