sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
