i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
My life is pants optional.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
