Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
worst night to have a conscience
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Randomize
