you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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