WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
