don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize