i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
