Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
