I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Panties = found
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
