you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
stop calling my apartment porn island.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
