I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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