One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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