my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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