every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
