you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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