Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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