Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Oh god it's open bar.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
