Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
