I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
