just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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