Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
