I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
