so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
