There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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