I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Two words: nipple clamps
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