I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize