JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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