so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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