He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
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