not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
