ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
