Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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