Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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