just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
