dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
