guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
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