Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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