I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
