ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
My Higher Power is John Stamos
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
