my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
