Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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