another moral hangover. fuck.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
