So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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