So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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