Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
