So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
