At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
