I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
