after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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