Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
