he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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