he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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