walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
