She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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