My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
