the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
