I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
