she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
