I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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